Reflections from my 30th birthday

I used to hate myself and beat myself up all the time. I thought once I got perfect then I could relax and everything would finally be ok. I would be ok. I turned myself inside out to be friendly, nice and helpful. Even at times where doing that would mean to violate myself. I abandoned myself to try to fix those around me, I couldn’t give myself approval so I kept trying to fix myself, too. I favored skinny over the body I was in. I favored forced happiness over what was actually going on, and I favored speed and action over breathing and relaxing. Always working hard at being the good girl.

It was quite exhausting.

What’s interesting is that it didn’t make anything ok. It didn’t bring me or those around me what I thought I was creating. In fact, it created the opposite; pain, hurt, suffering and an unsafe reality to exist in. And at one point I started getting desperate, because the shit I was pulling wasn’t working. (I mean really desperate, because up to that point I kept thinking that I must have not been trying hard enough and cranked up the fixing even more!!!) *Sad music playing in the background*

But then, something magical happened!!! I started asking some right questions and started implementing some principles I had been discovering and learning from my friendsĀ and my spiritual journey.

When shit is blowing from all directions SLOW DOWN and BREATHE.

What if everything about me and everyone else is ok just as we are? What if we can love ourselves as the innocent children (in adult bodies) we are? What if there is a possibility to slow down and love all of who I am and not beat myself up about my “imperfections”. What if I give the Loving creator of this UnI-verse full permission to restore my sight, that I might see this world as already whole, already perfect, already healed??? No mas fixing – that’s what happens! Nada running! Gaaaawd that feels good after a lifetime of spinning the proverbial plates… And terrifyingly scary! If you take away my full time job, then what I supposed to do, huh?

I started contemplating this way of life 10 years ago, and I knew it was possible. I just didn’t know the insanely torturous and horrific shitstorm of a life I would need to live in order for me to be able to sit here in my sweaty dance outfit and tell you about it. Holy mother, these past 20 years have been intense!!!

And on the other side of the coin; the extraordinary beauty of moments shared with my loved ones and times in nature, plus dance floors, would allow me to die today a happy woman.

However, since I know I’m not going to be let off the hook that easily, I will continue here, and take more classes in the school of life. It only took me a nano second of thirty years to remember the truth if who I am, the truth of who you are, and why we are here. And damn how it leaves me excited to be able to look at you with these new eyes, and marvel at your innate beauty and enjoy the magnificence of that which you are.

Now, I favor feeling my body from the inside, I favor everything already being whole, and allowing my human self to have it all; joy, pain, pleasure, intimacy, fearlessness and being scared as hell, grace, gore, tears, laughter, movement, inadequacy, sex, love, anxiety and just let it all be welcome to the party.

Cue: big inhale and exhale…

Let’s be the change together and let our light shine brighter, and brighter each day.

Much love from my heart to yours,


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